Going Forward

Miss Rori wore this cute outfit to school the other day.  She picked out her "grandma necklace" (the one Grandma Utah gave her for her birthday) to wear with it.  When she got to school she ran up to her teacher and showed her the necklace.  She said "I got this for my birthday from my grandma.  She went to Heaven".  Then she skipped over to the playground and began to play.  Both her teacher and I got a little teary eyed. 

I didn't know how our kids would handle losing grandma so suddenly.  They were very close to her and loved her so much.  We had just spent almost 3 weeks with her back in June (which is such a blessing) so they were feeling very connected to her.  I was worried that Rori might not understand even on a very basic level, but she has probably been the one to talk and ask thoughtful questions the most.  We were sitting in the car one day right before school started wasting a few minutes in a parking lot.  I was doing something and suddenly looked over to see Rori picking up a sunglasses case that was in the console.  She smelled the case and then looked at me and said "Smells like grandma- she went to Heaven".  Sure enough Brice had given Kirsten, Kimberley and I each a pair of Colleen's sunglasses and those were the ones Rori was holding.  Sometimes I wonder if some of Rori's other senses are stronger in compensation of her hearing.  Lance and I have commented that Grandma seemed to have a special understanding of Rori.  She was good at doing that with people.  She was able to focus deeper than the surface with many people and maybe better see their motivation and potential. 

Kai has been very logical about it all which is very Kai.  He knows that she has gone to heaven and that he will see her again some day.  He doesn't seem scared or concerned about death just very faithful.  His whole life he has gone to Church and learned about Heaven being a wonderful place and so he knows that Grandma has gone to a good place.  He commented that he feels like she is getting Heaven all set up for the rest of us and now she can be watching him lots easier at all the exciting things he is doing.  His faith is so pure and clean. 

Lance and I have our ups and downs.  Going forward can be extra hard some days.  Sometimes you wonder how life can keep moving on and you feel bad about it.  Little silly things bring sweet memories and tears.  I was cleaning out some clothes for Zuri the other day and found myself in tears a few times.  Sad that Zuri is starting to grow out of some of the last clothes that grandma saw her in.  Sad that Zuri is growing in to clothes that Rori used to wear that are associated with memories of grandma.  Silly things.  One of the very hardest things is knowing that she isn't getting to be here with the kids as they grow. 

But there are so many happy memories.  And we know that now more than ever she would tell us to seize every moment of the time we have and keep going forward. 

Making some of her famous treats helps sometimes too: